did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my being single is dangerous.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize