Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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