Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Randomize
