i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
did i walk over a car last night?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
