that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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