on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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