Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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