Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
