So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He did a backflip because drugs
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
