Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
