I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So many bounce houses so little time
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
This is the high leading the old right now
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
