i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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