Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
