Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
