watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Randomize
