im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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