the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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