well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
