Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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