you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
