Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
This is not my ceiling
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
