Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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