Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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