I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
