We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
