I wish my penis had an off switch
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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