Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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