Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
