God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize