So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
