Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
