I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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