I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
