Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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