Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
