We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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