I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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