Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
