I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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