Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
