plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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