I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
