you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
