I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
