Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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