i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
