i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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