it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
