he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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