my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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