oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
