i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I will pee on everything he values.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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