I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize