I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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