I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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