you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
