I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
