I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
