I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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