it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
