Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
