my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
