I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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