mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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