I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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