Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
