My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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