I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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