I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
